Moments

Often times I wonder why you chose me. Why you stuck with me. Why you love me.

I’m not a good person and that is quite clear. I frequently think of all those things that hurt so bad because they were so true. You have no idea. I know I always push to fix the wrong yet in doing so I break something else. Maybe that is just my luck. Maybe that is just me. I really don’t know, but I know I try for you and maybe that is what you see in me.

Maybe that is what you like about me.

I don’t know what I did to gain a love like yours. I’m not sure why I was blessed with finding you. All I do know is that I will never stop trying for you. I’ll never give up on you. I can only hope you’ll never give up on me, even if just for a moment. I hope that time never comes where you push me from your mind. A time where you want to forget me…even if just for a moment.

Fighting History

Every one of us is far from perfect.

Myself nearing the top of that “Not Perfect List.” I do so many things wrong every day that the majority of the time I am left wondering what could be wrong with myself. Doing things because I wasn’t paying full attention. Doing things because I neglected to understand. Even doing things I thought were right but later finding out I myself was wrong to begin with. My list is quite a big one and I wish it wasn’t this long already because it is hard to erase numbers off it. These are things that aren’t soon forgotten, however they are all things that can be changed. Everything can change.

I see these faults in myself not on my own but because there is someone pointing it out for me. I always have that someone who is there showing me where and when I mess up. Although it doesn’t feel good to have such things pointed out, it allows me to reevaluate where I am going and make choices to change things. Sometimes though I probably don’t change them as quick as I should. That is something that I have learned is wrong with myself and took note of on my own. In a huge way I think that is me still acting like a boy, or at least a very stubborn man.

Even though that list is so huge, if I can make that change in myself I can make the change for every other item listed.

It is the root of my entire evil.

Pride mixed with stubbornness is a toxic cocktail. It intoxicates you so quickly, but it will also completely poison everyone around you. I am currently poisoning the entire world. I can truthfully say that I don’t want to be this person any longer. It is past the point of saying and into the realm of doing. Actions always speak louder than words and I am going to try my best to scream to the world.

We all need help though and this is something that won’t fully happen on my own. I’ve already said that I did not get to this point alone. I needed that person that has yet to give up on me even when she could have called it quits. The person who spills love even though inside she is dying herself. I need her to help me, and she does, however I have yet to help her. I have yet to help her and she is the one who needs it most. This is something I neglected to understand. It is something I wasn’t paying full attention to. This is the most important part and I have completely messed up. I messed up because I was being a boy when I needed to be a man.

It bends my mind looking at myself because I was taught so many things about what being a man means. Yet here I am not following any of those golden rules. I’ve had to stop and ask myself, “Who am I?” The answer I gave isn’t actually who I am, rather who I want to be. Thinking about who I want to be and comparing it to who I currently am is frightening. That self-realization is a life altering moment. It is a life altering moment only if you step onto the right path now. I know in my mind I have stepped to the side and am about to head down a new avenue, the further I get from the start the further I move away from the other side…I just have to make sure I keep going and keep myself moving.

She is worth the entire fight and although I realized this long ago, I never fully acted. I have been told that there is no better time than now to change, so that is what I will do. Really change. I can only hope that I lead by example though. That as she sees me she can see in herself that I am worth her fight as well. See that I am the person she can turn to for strength. That I can be the one who brings joy and happiness. I see I have never actually been that and I am beyond ashamed of who I’ve been.

I just want to become everything she needs me to be.

Talk is cheap though.

Now I have to do it.

Day Dreams

So many things became so much harder the moment I stepped away from her.

Our last night together is still so clear inside my head. It is almost as if I am still in that bed with her, holding her close and wishing tomorrow wasn’t real. Through the week leading up to that day everything felt like a dream to me. None of it registered inside my head that it was in fact going to be a reality we would both have to face. I stared at my calender every day watching it get shorter and shorter but still it wasn’t hitting me. We would talk about the inevitable, cry over it…do everything that a couple who is about to face something of this magnitude would do, but still it didn’t register. The moment it did hit however is a sight I won’t soon forget.

As we rode up to the Terminal I held her hand so tightly knowing it would be the last time I could do it for a while. I touched every one of her fingers and tried my hardest to remember the way her hands felt inside mine. I remember seeing the sign on the road that announced we were arriving at our destination and the feeling that came with that sight. It was almost as if my heart fell through my feet. We pulled up to the curb out front and both got out grabbing onto each other for the last time. I tried to take it all in but I couldn’t. Everything was happening so fast and all these emotions were wrestling inside my mind. I could have stood there forever just holding her but we knew that wasn’t the case.

We kissed for us and then I kissed her for myself. I grabbed onto my luggage and watched as she climbed back into the car. As I walked away and stood in the line to enter the airport the car started to pull away from the curb. In that moment everything fell onto me with such a weight I felt like I would die. I watched as the car slowly rolled by me and looked into the back window to see her one more time. She leaned forward and slowly waved goodbye to me as the car drove away and out of my view.

When I seen her wave goodbye. When I seen the look on her face. That was when it all became reality for me.

We spent a year attached at the hip and finally being away from her was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I wanted to leave my bags, run after the car, and tell her I don’t think this is a good idea. Cry in her arms and tell her that I would rather go back home with her. That we can find a way to make it work. That we can be okay.

But I couldn’t.

She was already gone.

Now I am sitting here alone thinking about her. I was just lost inside my mind picturing her in my arms, smiling and laughing as I play around with her. I got so caught up in my dream that for one second it felt like it was real. I felt so good inside. I was beyond happy feeling like she was here with me. Then I blinked and found myself alone in a computer chair staring at a picture of her. Then the sadness took over me..

I miss you so much..

Illiterate

What do you give to the person who sacrifices everything for you?

A slap across the face is my favorite gift.

I’m sorry..

Withstand

It has only been 8 days since I left her side and to be honest it feels like 3 months. These days have been dragging on and I can’t help but think that the next year or so will be absolute torture. She is always with me yet just out of my reach. Technology can only go so far, you know.

Right now I am on video call with her watching her sleep. I remember doing this before I went to her and it was mesmerizing. I used to sit and wonder what it would be like if I was there with her in that bed. I wondered what it would feel like to be so close and drifting off to sleep together. Then I found out. Now I sit here watching her desperately wishing I was still there. I wish I could have my arm around her body and my face against her face just like we did every night for so long. She started to talk in her sleep a little and I instinctively wanted to grab her tight and let her fall back asleep on me. It is what I always used to do and it always seemed to help her sleep better.

There are so many little things that such distance prohibits you from doing. I now sit here dreaming of the time when I will be able to do all of these things again. However it doesn’t seem like that day is going to come fast enough. The void will be horrid.

I know a lot of this requires me to stay positive, and I do, but at some points I have to let myself stop fighting and succumb to the reality. I have to let it all go because this whole situation isn’t fun. It has been one of the hardest and saddest times of my life thus far. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I do see it peering back at me, but my god is that tunnel long and dark from where I am standing.

In this blog you will only see me being completely open and honest about my thoughts and feelings. It is where I can run away to and unveil what I am trying to hide from everyone. So please forgive me if it seems like I am always down and out. I am just being honest with myself. I’m not lying to myself here.

I know that this is all worth it. I know that even though this time is hurting me so badly it will all be worth it in the end. That is all because she is worth this fight. She is the most amazing woman I have ever encountered. The size of her heart and the amount of love she spills is absolutely incredible. She is someone who I totally admire and respect. The things she does daily are things that impress me more as days go by. She is a role model in her own right and I am so happy to know she is such a big part of my life…that I am such a big part of her life.

It is funny to look back at who I was before she came dancing into my life. Thinking about who I used to be and the things I used to believe in and how she completely tore every single one of those pages out of me. She tore them out and burned them so I would never feel that way again. In many ways she saved me. When I was drowning she reached out and pulled me from the water.

I want to always be there for her because she has always been here for me.

You are so wonderful.

Will you marry me?

“”It’s okay
I’m a creep and a weirdo too. We have a lot in common!”

That was the first thing I ever said to you. Although I knew you were different when I looked at your pictures I never knew this is what would happen. I never once thought you would become my everything. That you would be the only thing I think about from that point onward. I never knew I could fall so deeply in love with you.

I remember the day I first said that to you. You had commented on my only photo saying, “nice tunnels.” It was such a short and meaningless thing to say. Compared to how hard other people tried talking to me you gave almost no effort, but you were the person who stood out the most.

I frantically read your profile looking for any sort of conversation starter. I remember reading about how much you loved pez and running with that. I didn’t know much about pez though. I knew I had Star Wars ones in the attic and that was it. And believe it or not I actually googled pez so I could talk a little to you about them. I tried so hard to make sure you didn’t walk away from me. There was just something about you. I didn’t know what it was but I told myself I needed to find out.

I remember sending that first message and impatiently waiting for your reply. I was constantly checking until it appeared in my inbox. Even though you didn’t say much it made me feel so comfortable. Talking to you was so easy….and I’m sure you felt the same way because after your reply we talked nonstop for the next three days.

I only sat at my computer for those three days. Reading and replying….reading and replying. I’m usually pretty quiet but you brought out a different side of me. I had so much to say. There was never a single moment when I struggled for a response. After those three days I felt like we were already good friends and I knew somehow you’d be a constant part of my life. I knew you were here to stay. And knowing that made me so very happy.

Remember how after a few days you told me you wanted to get on voice chat through skype? I didn’t have a mic so I just listened to you speak to me. I remember how nervous I was just to hear you talk. I was shaking a little. And then I heard your voice.. I listened to you talk while I looked at your pictures on interpals. Right there was when I started falling for you. That and when you told me you wanted a daughter named knives.

We talked through skype a little more, came back here, then we moved away from this place. Waiting on interpals became a chore and you didn’t have skype on your phone, so you suggested I get KakaoTalk and message you there. The moment I joined KakaoTalk was the true beginning of something great. Remember how we never stopped talking after that moment? We spent every waking moment chasing after each other. And when you’d sleep I’d read the conversations over and over again. That was when you really took over my life.

After we started talking on there you became all I cared about. I remember being in public places and totally lost inside my mind thinking about you…smiling and laughing to myself like a crazy person. It didn’t matter though because you made me feel so good. You made me feel things I never felt before. When I go back and look at screenshots, all of my favoites are from Kakao…We were so into each other and not hiding it well…but at the time it felt like we were doing a good job, didn’t it?

Then came WeChat. You said it was better, you said it had video, you wanted to use it to get on video with me. When you told me you wanted to be on video chat, I got so scared. Here is a little secret, I had WeChat the moment you told me to get it. I lied to you and said it didn’t work because I was so scared to be on video with you. It took me a couple days to work up the courage to go for it. And then I did. And then we did. And then my life really changed.

I remember you saying you were going to call me. I basically crapped my pants. I was so worried about so many things. Maybe you’ll hate my smile…maybe you won’t like my voice…maybe I do things I don’t realize that are extremely unattractive…My mind was going so fast until my phone rang and you were on the other end. I answered the call and everything stopped.

There you were laying on your stomach on your bed and smiling at me. It wasn’t just pictures, it was really you. I could see everything about you. The way your face crinkled when you smiled. The way you move your body. Even just the way you breathe…Before that I only imagined things about you, then in an instant I knew all the answers. Remember how on that first call we didn’t speak much at all? I don’t think I said anything…I just smiled and said goodye after about 20 minutes. It was so creepy of me but it was one of the greatest moments in my life.

You know, when I first laid my eyes on you I really fell in love with you. I knew I needed you in my life and I started dedicating so much of myself to you. After that first call, everything I did was for you.

Remember how after that first time we never really went a day without being on video? And remember how the calls got longer and longer until they never really ended? I remember going to sleep looking at you, then waking up in the morning and seeing you were still there. And that felt so great…I loved having you as the first thing I seen when I wake up.

After that everything becomes a happy blur for me. From sneakily telling each other “I love you” by disgusing it as trying to make hearts fall in WeChat….because you have to mean it for it to work! Then actually saying it to each other over video and meaning it so much. All the laughs and good feelings you gave me. The times we cried and grew so much closer. Constantly learning more about who you are and where you came from…and I shouldn’t say it’s a blur because I remember every little bit. (…aside from you blowing me a kiss when saying bye on video. I really wish I would have seen that..) It’s a blur because everything just happened. Everything fell so perfectly into place. It took no effort to get to where we are now…it was just meant to happen this way.

Since the beginning everything has been so great. Sure we had our fair share of fights, but each fight only brought us closer. We have learned so much about ourselves from each other, and we are still learning more every day. We compliment each other so well and push the other to be a better person.

With all that I’ve said here, all that we’ve done together, here I am sitting 3 feet away from you typing this. I’ve been physically with you for months and I’m going to stay with you for months…years…forever. Stay with you simply because I don’t ever want to be without you.

I need you so much, Jannah.
I don’t want to see my life without you in it.

At this point I can’t even picture a life without you in it..

..I don’t want to picture it..

You know babe,
Can you promise me something?

…promise me something that will ease my worries a little bit?..

Okay. Well.

What I need you to do is promise me that you’ll stop reading this and come upstairs right now. I have something I want to show you.

…

What are you waiting for?

…

When you read that I wanted you to promise me something, you said “okay,” in your head.

I felt it.

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I was up there with tears in my eyes and a ring in my pocket when suddenly I heard her feet come slamming up the stairs. She came running into my arms, eyes swelling with tears, asking me what this was all about. I told her she has given me the best days of my life so far and I don’t ever want this to stop. I got down on one knee and asked her to spend her life with me. I asked her to be my wife.

…she said yes.

A New Normal

I’ve spent the past few days battling this crippling sadness. I knew going in that it wouldn’t be an easy thing to do, but I had no idea just how bad this would feel. It is like a piece of you is missing and you can’t find it anywhere. You look around desperately scrambling to put it all back together but there is nothing that can mend the hole. It is gaping.

I find myself pacing around and thinking all these things I want to tell her, then I turn and she is not there. I eat meals while wondering about her. I lay down at night gripping my pillow wishing it was her.

Last night while we video chatted there was one point where I had this overwhelming urge to simply touch her face. I wanted to feel her skin on my hands one more time. I realized I couldn’t and instead touched the screen on my tablet experiencing only the cold glossy return of glass. When I see her I try to hide just how deep this is affecting me. I try to be strong for her.. I am really putting myself and my feelings aside in order to keep her smiling. She is really all that matters anyway.

Yet the sadness grows stronger with every passing day and I am feeling more lost as time goes by. I am in search of something I can consider my new normal. Some series of daily events that will keep me going and on the right track. For now though, there isn’t much I can do. I have to put my life here back together and god knows there is a lot I must do.

I am trying to keep my eyes on the ultimate goal however I can’t help but gaze at the massive void that is between now and then. So much time that I will wander on my own. Go about my days alone. Live my life physically alone.

If I said I didn’t hate this I would be lying.

Different Times

I feel like I should begin writing here again as I have been neglecting this for quite some time now. A lot has happened and a lot has changed.

As you may know from previous posts in December of 2013 I hopped on a plane, flew to the other side of the world, and physically met the love of my life. It was beautiful. When I think back to that day I first saw her in person I always feel so good. It was perfect. I can still vividly recall that first moment when we were completely alone together. I clearly remember the feeling of being totally at home and relaxed. How we stared at each other…how we just laid there holding each other and how we kissed for the very first time. It was overwhelming to say the least.

Moving forward we began to experience many ups and downs together which meant we were finally becoming a “real” couple. We were able to rejoice together and we were able to become mad together. The fights we had, even though sometimes bad things were said, they are still moments I cherish because I got to experience them with her. The things she has done have pushed me to become a different person…maybe a better person.

Yeah. A better person

Without saying hurtful things neither of us could have really understood the gravity of the problems at hand. Without saying things that really impact you, you can never change yourself for the better for that person. Try to change to become what they need. I can truthfully say that I still am not the perfect person for her, but I will wholeheartedly argue with anyone who says I am not trying to become that person for her. I have heard people say they wouldn’t change for anyone. They are who they are and whoever they are with just has to deal with it. That sort of pride is toxic. If you really care about a person you will do things just for them even if it means changing a little of who you are. You do selfless things to make the other happy. That is loving someone.

Selfless

Being selfless is a huge part of what we are currently going through. As of September 17th, 2014 I am no longer with her in the Philippines. I took the trip back to America in order to bring her here. I am going to say some things she has never heard. Thing you will now know because I’m certain you will read this eventually. Although I am also sure these are things she felt herself.

We struggled while I was there while we were trying very hard to start up our lives. We had the plan of me never going back home. We were going to live our lives together in the Philippines. Every so often though she would mention America. I always talked her out of it because I did not want to leave her. I didn’t want. This went on for quite some time when finally at one point I realized what I was doing and seen that I was only thinking about myself and my needs. I began to really see the life she has been living. The hell and the horror. I realized that when she said she wanted to stay there so we can never leave each other, it was her being selfless for me. Even though we struggled very hard, even though she is put through so much stress every day, even though everything seems to be too great to handle…she still said she would stay in it simply to cater to my request that we never part. I spent a lot of time thinking about that and I seen in myself that what I was doing was wrong.

You know for some maybe that situation is the correct one however for us it is not. There are so many reasons for why us being in America is the better future but for the longest time I just refused to look at any of them. I came to the sad truth that I had to tell her something I never wanted to say. It was something that took a lot out of my entire being…it hit my toxic pride hard. We finally talked and I agreed with her that maybe I should go back for us…for our future, not mine.

I may be sounding like I look at myself as some awesome super guy who is so cool for doing something like this for the person I love, but that is not what I am trying to be. It is just that I tried so hard to keep her away from the idea of America just because I wanted something different. I was being so god damn selfish towards the person who was willing to do anything for me. I know that what happened didn’t just affect me. I know this whole thing is so fucking hard for her as well. That in a certain way this is not what she wanted to happen. I know she doesn’t want to be without me just as much as I don’t want to be without her. I know this because I know her….but knowing her means I see through the wall she puts up..

We did this for us, but I did it for you. I did it because I love you, Jannah. You have fought your entire life. You have struggled and felt so much pain in so many ways. I seen that I can be the one who takes so many problems away for you…and I know I want to be that person.

I want to forever be your everything. I want to give you the things you deserve…and you deserve so much. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met and I am beyond lucky to be able to call you my fiance. To think that you want to spend your life by my side gives me the most amazing feeling.

It may take a little time but we will be together again and when that happens it will truly be the start to the rest of our life together…A life with a bright future and a place where we can both be completely happy.

December 1st, 2013. 9:40pm. Seoul, South Korea.

I really just flew across the world for you today. 14 hours, non stop, brought me 4 hours away from you. I really do hope this is what you wanted. I know t is what I want.

You mean the world to me. You mean more than anything else in my life. It’s why I gave up everything just to be with you…

Tomorrow I’ll (hopefully if I do it right) leave South Korea and finish my trip to you. Probably no sleep. No Shower. Non-brushed teeth. Just smelly, grimy, disgusting me. It’s not idea, and definitely not something I planned. But it is what it is. We’ll go to the hotel shortly after and I’ll be able to clean up for you. I’ll probably do it before I even try sleeping so you don’t have to cuddle next to stink man.

–

I’m contemplating sleep but I’m afraid of my things getting stolen. Although these people seem to be kind to each other, some probably won’t view me the same.

Brb. I gotta poop. Time to see what a Korean toilet looks like.

–

Korean toilets look exactly the same as what I am used to, but the urinals work backwards from the ones at home. Back home you pee and then hit the flusher to drop water in. Here you walk up and it starts putting water in the urinal. Neat, right?

–

It is now almost 3am and I still can’t sleep. I’m very anxious to see if I have this airport figured out because if I don’t I’m in serious trouble. It took me what, 4 hours to figure out what I know so far. I don’t have another 4 hours..

I’m just sitting here, wide awake, waiting for people to show up to work so I can check in. So far there is nobody here but people sleeping and people cleaning the bathrooms. But back to what I was saying. I’m very anxious about this airport, but also because I’ll be meeting you today. We start of life together today. How crazy is that?

By the way I hate flying. I don’t want to go back home for many reasons, but a 14 hour plane trip was definitely added to the list. I don’t ever want to do that again. It was too much.

–

I just want to leave this airport now. I’m starting to hate this place. It’s way too big. It’s very confusing. Also, nobody even slightly understands me. I’m curious to see what they will do with my one way ticket here. You know, considering I can’t really talk anyone into letting it slide because I don’t know Korean.

However, finally getting to be with you after all of this will make it all worth it. But until I feel you in my arms I won’t give into the thought. They could still turn me away right here. They could screw me over and send me home. I really hope I don’t run into someone having a bad day.

I hope I just hop on this plane. We get married, get our own house, and finally be happy. I don’t care about money. I don’t care about living lavishly. Money doesn’t mean anything to me in case you couldn’t tell with what I am doing right now. Money can’t buy love and it can’t buy happiness. Those are two things we give each other..

–

The people who work here showed up awhile ago but none of them are working yet. I wanted to check in early…

November 30th, 2013. Somewhere over Canada

This flight is the longest, most boring thing I’ve done to date. But it is bring me closer to you so it is all worth it. In a very short amount of time we will finally be together for the first time. I’ll get to actually feel you in my arms. And to be honest, I’m not scared anymore. It is just what is going to happen now.

I’ll be there soon.